he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
would you ever date a girl who drove an 89 Chrysler LeBaron? - for the record it's a convertable
he puts the penis in happiness.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
