no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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