my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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