Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
