I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
