All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize
