ya dads aren't the best wingmen
i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
