Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
