we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
