No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
