You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
