Have fun with your cool freestyling girlfriend!
She can rap better than you any day
Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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