Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Randomize
