I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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