Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
50% drunk capacity currently
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
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