ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
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