the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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