i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
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