i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
