My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Randomize
