she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Randomize
