Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Randomize
