Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
