The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Randomize
