i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
