Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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