Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
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