No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
Randomize
