fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize
