I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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