So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
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