I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
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