Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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