I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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