i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
