I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
I want her autograph on my taint
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
Randomize
