we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
We need a shit load of segways right now
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
Randomize
