she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Randomize
