The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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