On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
