So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
You can't just leave with hair like that
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
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