At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I fill condoms, not promises.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Randomize
