I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
apparently the secret to your success is patron
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Randomize
