How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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