Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
