Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
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