dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
Randomize
