He disabled his match.com account in front of me
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
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