I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize
