my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Randomize
