I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Randomize
